Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Crushes & Why They're Not For Me

I recently read a blog post about crushes that happened to mesh pretty fucking well with thoughts that were already inside this pretty little mind of mine. If by mesh you mean I think that it is totally wrong and I can completely explain why.

The post was about crushes. You know why they're called crushes? Because when they don't work out, your heart is crushed. It is ashes. Mother fucking crumpled and pitiful ashes.  The author of the post says that they believe in the obligation-free crush.

My crush is my own. It's nice if we share a mutual attraction, but even if you show no interest in my pudding-like physical form, I will still hang out with you. This isn't a contract where I will only do nice things for you unless you promise to smooch the hell out of me; no, we are friends, and while my friendship may be laced with a bit of intoxication over the idea of smooching you, I value your actual presence over my daydreams.

This, I can say, is true.

If you truly have the obligation-free crush, this isn't going anywhere. Even the revelation of a mutual attraction may not necessarily lead to hot bedside smoochenatings, as all mature adults understand that "Attraction does not equal automatic coupling." I'm attracted to any number of people who, in a vacuum, would probably warm my nethers...

Alright, this is not true...for me. Actually, it is this point right here that has me so discombobulated over the whole situation that I can't even see crooked because the world is spinning.

First, let me say I prefer to call it like over a crush. Okay, I like  someone. I am in like with someone. I had crushes in fifth grade. Now it is a little more serious.

But I would rather not like anyone. I don't want to be in like. I don't like being in like. It is scary.

I get attracted to a lot of people. Male or female. I can want to fuck as many people as I can handle but that is where I like for it to stay. It is easier for me. Easier for me than what happens when I like someone. In fact, it is such a big deal that I haven't actually liked anyone for nearly 8 years. Not like this. Not in a way that he feels so wonderfully inviting, safe, and like home but these emotions feel dangerous. I feel vulnerable.

I don't like it.

In fact, I can't fucking stand it.

Crushes hurt. Liking people hurts. It isn't beautiful and hopeful like "love". It is raw, confusing, and uncertain. It is a bunch of "Are they thinking about me?" and "Goddamit, I can't stop thinking about them!" with some "Should I look nice? Should I shave my legs? Is this enough cleavage?" thrown in just for added insecurity.

But I will take it all. Because I don't have a choice in the matter.

I know you're probably not reading this, but [Lex Luthor], I like you.

Friday, August 22, 2014

PSA: I'm Not Just Sex

So you're here and you're reading this blog; that means you know I have sex. You know I like talking about sex. You may not have known until this very moment that I now work in the sex industry (no, I'm not a porn star or a prostitute). I mean I fucking love everything this is about sex. It is beautiful, passionate, and pleasureful; what isn't to love? I enjoy making people feel comfortable with their bodies and their sexual identities.

But here is a little run down of how to behave when you meet me and/or my comrades:

1) Do not disrespect us. When I am on this blog I am sassy and honest. When I am work I am professional. But above that, I am human.

2) I will walk you through my most wicked fantasies. I will help you work through your own. That doesn't mean I will play through any of them, at all, with you.

3) I want you to ask me questions and confess your inner most fetishes with me. I will respect you and not judge you, I would like the same.

4) I actually have a Bachelor of Arts in Sociology. I like the way people interact, I like watching them. That also means that I am intelligent and that I have other interests to provide a potential mate than a hot twat.

There isn't just one reason that this needs to be said, and it is kind of pathetic that it needs to be said. I have had no negative responses like I was prepared for. I was prepared for slut-shaming and whore-slandering. But what I got was a call to lose my standards and consistent disrespect. I'm human and you are too.

I won't stop writing and I won't stop talking. More importantly, I won't stop fucking. And that takes away the bully power. I'm just me and I'm happy with it.

Image Credit: Pinup Bombshells

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Fetish Confessions: Vampire Bill

The best part of this fetish confessions feature is that the person on the other side is human. Pure and genuine human. That means each one has a little bit of a different flare and a style to it that is all its own. Today's confession is from someone I've dubbed as Vampire Bill. Not quite southern but a hell of a gentleman with a penchant for biting, fits the bill (pun intended). Vampire Bill is going to share his story and then we dive into the psyche for a deeper look at the fetishes.

Fetishes: thigh highs, boots/socks, biting

A little background. In my early twenties, I had a relationship that lasted until my late 20's. This was the love of my life. Before her I only had sex with one person (which was a one night stand). I had done other sexual things with other girls before that, sure, but sex was still new to me. We had great sex early on in the relationship, but over the years it became less. I proposed to her. We were engaged, we were living together. Then it seemed like the sex just dried up. Not for my lack of trying. She even started sleeping in another room.

So what did I resort to? My old standby; Ms. Thumb and her four daughters and porn. Internet porn. The stuff I grew up on the internet with since I was 14. I had a pretty big collection. I knew what I liked, what got me off; hentai, futanari stuff (japanese anime girls with both parts), furry stuff (because cat girls, AMIRITE?) and even regular porn.

When she found it, she was mad and said I was disturbed and needed to seek counseling for my "porn addiction". She made me feel really bad about what I was looking at, but at the same time... we had not had sex in a year! We ended up canceling the engagement because in the end I realized I didn't have the problem.

We broke up, I moved on. I've had first date sex, I've been trying to find the sexual me. The one that didn't get to play much in my 20s.

Whew. That was a ramble. And I haven't even talked about the fetishes yet.

So why boots/thigh highs? I guess partially because of me liking anime from my early teens? The thigh high socks always do it for me. I don't know why they are so sexy. A nice long pair of legs is incredibly attractive to me, and combined with knee high boots or socks... I am instantly turned on. With the boots I think it shows a naughty side, alternative, it's just hot. I wouldn't lick boots or anything like that, I just think it looks amazing.

I feel the same way about boots. I like the dominant feature they give me while wearing them and I think they're generally sexy. I have broken both pairs of my boots in by having sex while wearing them. It is remarkably attractive. Is it just the aesthetic of looking at boots or does it involve the leather? What about leg worship or a foot fetish? 

To me leather boots, or high socks is more of an aesthetic thing to me. While I do like sexy legs, I am more of a breast man myself. I've never had a foot fetish, like sucking toes or licking them. For me it's a cleanliness thing, they'd have to be clean for me to do that haha. Although that sounds weird, sex can get dirty sometimes and I am ok with that.

Sex can get a lot of things, dirty just being the obvious! But what about biting? How did you find out about that? One time it just happened to me where I got nipped and I liked it. A little pain with pleasure. I know I've gotten aggressive and nibbled a bit. It's more of an "in the act" thing. If they like it, go for more, if they don't I back off. A lot of things can happen in the heat of the moment.

When it comes to biting, there are a variety of levels to say the least. How hard do you like it? If it's hard enough to leave a bruise that's too hard for sure.

To me, my preference is a nice bruise on the inside of the thigh. A hidden reminder. It's one of my favorite things.

How do you handle telling other people about this? If you have chemistry with someone and they are not into it or unwilling to try?
Well, the last time that happened it ended an engagement for me. On some level they have to at least respect what you like. And if you can't get it from them, I think they at least need to understand you can get it from porn every now and then and NOT get mad at you for still liking it. 

Do you think that it only needs to come from porn or are you into the idea of open relationships?

If I am in a committed relationship and love the person and they don't want to do a specific something that I like sexually, I would turn to porn. While I haven't been in an open relationship while dating someone, I have seen what it can do to some relationships, even if both parties agree to it. Jealousy is a big factor that comes into play. I knew a couple who got married, after a few years they weren't filling each other's needs and they turned to open relationships. One got jealous of the other and they grew further apart and eventually got divorced. They are both still friends of mine and she confided in me what had happened.

I'm not opposed to an open relationship, but I would tread carefully. I know myself well enough that I could get my feelings hurt or become jealous.

Communication is key. It is key in absolutely everything we do. And while life can get complicated, good communication can at least resolve issues even if it means just ending them but in a strong, neutral/positive way. It is why I love these confessions so much. They communicate and create a level of understanding. I hope they always will.

I admire that you can freely put everything out all out there so to speak. And thank you for offering an anon solution to those who don't want everything all out there.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Reader Response: Hard Limits

What are your top three fetishes that you won't do?

Hard limits.

What are my biggest hard limits?

To be honest, I don't know if I would have known them until recently when I did a BDSM checklist to help me understand more about myself, my desires, what I wanted to experience, what I wanted to do to others, and what the difference between a soft and hard limit is.

But I have done that list, so I do know them.

#1: Anything related to bathroom functions. I know that encompasses a lot of them but this includes scat, watersports, diaper wearing, etc. If it is something that happens in or around a toilet, count me out. Smells, textures, germophobiness, its all just going to do more than turn me off. I promise. The one thing to note is that I have always been willing to pee on someone, but generally its a mutually reciprocal thing and that doesn't work for me. But is it is my hard limit, not yours.

#2: This...is a hard limit for life. Because I fucking hate the thought of it: DENTAL WORK. I mean, I can't even think of how that would be sexy. I would dead. Like actually dead because my heart just imploded. I hit the floor when I barely chipped a tooth. I can't. I just cannot.

#3: This one is a little more abstract. I don't like to do things that make me feel unsexy. If something physically is effecting the way that I look (i.e. fire cupping & gas masks) and makes me feel weird and awkward, the scene is broken. The magic is gone. I love my body and I love feeling sexy. I'm a wild woman when I feel sexy. I love sensation, pleasure, and pleasing but take away that sexy and that confidence and I'm done. It is why I struggle with rope even though I love it so much.

Well there, that is a hell of an interesting look into my psyche.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Deadly Sins

I don't know if ti was the years of barely orgasms, the beaten confidence, or the constant thoughts that if I pleased him it would make him want me, but time has turned me into a flawed lover.

This isn't about the skeletons in my closet because they're no fun. This is about my overwhelming desire and craving for pleasure to belong to me. A deep, intimate acknowledgement of my greed and selfishness as a lover.

None of us are perfect. Sorry to break that news to you.

But part of owning yourself, being confident, and loving your own sexuality is acknowledging that small truth.

Strive to be awesome, not perfect.

I've grown fond of the idea that my first time with  a partner needs to be about me. If you want me to be with you 100% I need to gauge you in my own way. How do you respect a simple request? How do you feel about a woman who knows what she wants? Are you just in this for the quickest lay? These are all hints and ideas that I pick up from having my partners please me for the first time.

It also serves to make me very comfortable with a partner once they've seen, tasted, and prodded my body and they want to come back. In that weird, symbiotic way, it makes me a better lover, too.

But that is not the only way I'm selfish (or flawed). You see, I'm also severely undisciplined. In the throws of pleasure and ecstasy, I am very erratic. I get over eager sometimes. Sometimes I get scared. Sometimes I am in real pain. Sometimes I can't stand or see straight.

That is when my partner gets the short end of the stick. And I am sorry for it. You did well but please help me. This is the moment where trust is built. Where the vulnerable reaches out and you lay the foundation for this thing between us. I don't want to keep taking from you but I will keep asking. Because after 20 years, I finally give a damn about myself.

Image Credit: Dahlig

Monday, July 21, 2014

Fetish Confessions: Big Brother

Today's confession is a little different than usual. Someone came to me to talk about something that had happened in their past. Something special albeit taboo; a secret that, until now, has been so very tightly held.

Today, Big Brother is talking about:


It had an interesting beginning. We were sitting in my bedroom and were talking about different things. We ended up on the subject of [significant others] and how neither one of us had one. I told her she was beautiful and that if I could, I would date her. She responded by telling me I was handsome and that she would date me as well.

Over the course of a few months we would come back to the bf/gf conversation and eventually we decided that we didn’t care if it was wrong, we were going to secretly be each’s other [significant other].

This went on for a while.

When our parents were gone or in other rooms, we would sneak kisses. Gentle pecks at first as if to test the waters. They would continue to grow increasingly passionate. Or as passionate as we could at that age.

On a day our parents were out, she asked me if I loved her. I said, “Of course.” But then she asked me again, “Do you really love me? As a boy loves a girl...not as a brother loves a sister.” And I told her yes. I loved her with my whole heart and being. When I asked her the same question, she said she loved me with her heart, body, and soul.

After that, she asked if I wanted to see her. I remember stuttering and saying that I was looking at her. That isn’t what she meant. She said, “No, do you want to see me?” and she pulled her shirt off and slipped out of her shorts. There my sister stood...in a bra and panties and I could barely contain myself.

She tugged at my arm and pulled me close. She started to pull at my shirt until it came off and then she pulled my pants down. I didn’t know what to do!

We went into my bedroom and laid in my bed. We were face to face, kissing. She put my hands on her breasts and pulled my boxers off. My hands were shaking so bad that all I do was pull her bra up but I couldn't get it unlatched. When she touched me, hard as I was, I nearly came right there.

I fumbled around with her breasts for a minute until she told me she wanted me to touch her. She was warm and wet. She told me just how to rub [her clit] and guides me on what to do. She continued to get wetter and wetter. All of a sudden, she squeals and starts to shudder. When she has finished, she asked me if I want to try to put myself inside to and I agree.

She laid down on the bed and I move on top of her and I try to put myself in but I can’t so she helps me find the right spot. I start to enter her and when I meet the resistance, I keep going and break her hymen. She puts her mouth to my shoulder with a yelp and tells me to keep going.

She told me what to do and how to do it. I had watched some porn by that time but I still needed her to tell me what to do, even though it was her first time, too.

I finally enter her and begin to fumble back and forth. I get about three strokes in and suddenly feel the feeling that I am going to release and before I can do anything, I cum and release everything that I have inside of her.

She was surprised that I came inside her. She wasn't angry just surprised and explained it couldn't happen again. After that, I found out that she had actually been masturbating to the idea about me making love to her for quite sometime. And that...was how it started...

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Life is Balance

There is never a way to get out of the inevitable balance that is life. Life is beautiful, you know I think that but sometimes it's just a bitch. I mean it. One minute you're enjoying yourself and in the very next breath you find yourself in the middle of a tornadic shit storm.

If I am honest, I am exaggerating a little bit, but it is how I feel. 

I'm in the middle of something I was afraid to feel. I'm in the middle of a sub drop.

A sub drop is (and its equally opposite top drop but I can't talk about that) when the all the endorphins that are pumping through your body through and after a scene bottom out and dissipate. It is an emotional and a physical state stress.

After a weekend of fun, scenes, friends, booze, and sex I feel empty. I don't like it. I don't want this. I want to bask in after glows and happiness. Instead of that, at 2AM I'm asking someone what the hell is happening to me.

There are a lot reactions that each individual could feel from bitchy, needy, whiny, lonely, etc. What I feel or more prominently when the drop first occurred I was very scared, reclusive, confused and I didn't want to be touched. I was unsure of everything about myself. It is a very ugly place to be.

And also extremely apologetic. I felt like I corrupted the world and it was all my fault.

Aftercare, which isn't something I have really talked about, can help curb this and help bring you down safely but it isn't a foolproof resolve. I will write about that too, but the cosmos had to fucking know about the ugly side of this. The part that says everything is in fucking a balance and just to get over it.

Also, writing helped. So there is that.