Thursday, January 22, 2015

Guest Post: Sexuality Self Discovery

Snarky Sass has been blogging here for a year and I've been wracking my brain to figure out what I would write for her. I’d considered writing about my vanilla tastes and about losing my virginity until I was 26, but nothing seemed right. It’s funny, though; that what I’m going to write about in some way incorporates both of those things. Consider my guest post today a coming out of sorts. I’m demisexual.

Consider LGBTQIAAP. I've heard of heterosexual, homosexual, and recently asexual and pansexual, but … demisexual? To be perfectly honest, I didn't know even know what that meant until recently, but it has opened up a world of knowledge and understanding about myself that I’m so fortunate to be absorbing. So, how did I get here and what does it mean and how can it relate to you?

As previously mentioned, I lost my virginity at 26 and I’m now 27 and have had one sexual partner. In 2013, I wrote a note to one of my favorite Youtubers for her weekly Q&A show and confessed to being a 26 year old virgin. I asked her advice as I was worried how I’d be perceived. Her response was fantastic and made me feel so much better about myself. Fast forward to later that year when I ended up having a short-lived sexual relationship with a good friend. We were very close and had formed an emotional bond over the course of our revived friendship. This ended very abruptly when he decided to pursue another woman and break it off. I was hurt and confused. The sting of rejection was very real and I wondered if there was something wrong with me. I spent the majority of 2014 wondering that as I looked around at the people that I know with healthy sex lives, some with multiple partners. I thought I was defective.

I share that very personal part of my life to explain something. I never really understood why I hadn't lost my virginity before then. I always thought it was just because I was a big girl. I blamed a lot of my lack of relationships on my weight. I realize now that I was not out seeking them either. As I reflect, even my profiles on OkCupid or any other dating site has never been made for casual sex. I have never desired hookups, but of the few guys that I’ve talked to or casually dated over the course of my adult life, I've never had sex with any of them. Because I didn’t want to. At first I thought it was because I wasn't “ready.” In truth, I just never found them sexually attractive or we did not have a strong enough connection for me to warrant opening myself up to another person in that way.

I now know that I am demisexual, which is on the asexual spectrum. Once I read a description (A demisexual is someone who only experiences sexual attraction after an emotional bond (not necessarily romantic) is formed), I felt a sudden release of relief. Could this be the name for what I’ve felt all of these years? The idea of sex appeals to me, but I never have been able to imagine myself having casual sex with someone that I’m not somehow committed to.

I’m not defective; I’m not broken. I just do sexuality in a different way. It has to mean something. I’m not a prude. I don’t need to lower my standards. I just have to feel. I have to connect. For me, it’s not just emotion, it’s romance, it’s intellectual. Brainy is the new sexy, after all.

This new information has answered so many questions that I've had about past experiences. When talking to a guy last year, I couldn't seal the deal, as it were. We’re friends, not good friends, but friends. But our bond isn't deep. I found him sensually attractive and the idea of cuddling with him and possibly kissing him was appealing, but the idea of anything beyond that repulsed me. That’s not his fault and it’s not my fault, we’re just not connected in that way. But we’d talk about it and I’d keep putting it off and putting it off. Now I know why.

I’m not sure how this will affect future relationships. I’m still learning so much and I will have to figure out how to mitigate the backlash that I may receive when I have to tell someone that I might not be interested in them sexually. I do prefer sex with men, which makes me a demi-heterosexual. And it’s not as if I’m absolutely repulsed by sex. I still get aroused, but I don’t care for porn and I masturbate generally to relieve stress. Even still, imaging myself with the right partner gives me a rush. It makes me crave, hunger, and yearn. I still love the idea of sex, but for me, it just carries a lot more weight than for others.

So, yeah, here’s my coming out post. I’m demisexual. I’m new to this non-binary sexuality thing, so I’m looking to hopefully connect with a community, the same way that Snarky Sass has with the fetish community. It feels really good to understand this part of myself. I feel free in a way that I hadn't before.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

If Two is a Party...

They say three is a crowd but I'm going to go out on a limb here and just disagree with that statement. And yes, this is going exactly where you think it is going.

Because threesomes rock.

In the time that I took off and was having all that wild, whore-like sex in December, a lot of it was new experiences that I had never had before. I learned some awesome things about how polyamorous couples work, the dynamic in threesomes, and just how well boner performance pills actually work.

The sex was quite literally the best of my life. It isn't just another notch on the bedpost or simply worth bragging about. A lot of people want to know how it happened. Well, much like everything of a semi-sexual nature it just did. It just happened.

I fell into the stereotypical bisexual girl situation. You know, the one where everyone thinks that just because you might not be completely straight that you want to join in on their couple action? Yeah. It was me and a married couple. Again, it just sort of happened.

I know a lot of people thought that there would be some big elaborate scheme cooked up here. Something exciting like joining the Swingers Lifestyle (which I did do) and went to some wild get-together house orgy or something and we ended up together (which I didn't do). That's what most people think of. But it started with a simple, "Hey, would you like someone to come get you off?" and permission from the lady part of the equation.

Who turns down something like that!

Two days later the three of us were in a BDSM scene. Naked, bruised, but quite open for anything to happen I was told to "Climb on" and I did. Then I asked to kiss her, too. And for the next 6 hours, it was nothing less than an amazing BDSM fuckfest.

But the thing to remember is that I didn't approach one or the other about any of this. I was told I was attractive and invited to have sex with him. I refused until I spoke directly to her. Before it was a threesome and she was watching me have sex with her husband, she was giving me explicit permission. Drama isn't something that I'm into. It doesn't get me off to be your dirty secret or anything like that.

So yeah, threesomes can just happen. They can just happen to you, too. But if you drop the ball on communicating what it is you want, it is your dick on the chopping block.

Friday, January 2, 2015

BDSM & Depravity

Okay, so I took a month off and a bunch of shit happened. A bunch of fun, kinky, and good sex happened but shit happened. And have a happy new year bitches.

But in the time that I was also taking off, I've been planning something with my dearest kinksters. And in that time, one question keeps popping up.

You're okay with being brutalized?

That is the question I'm being asked. Not by one person. Not by two. But by a lot. And it is hard to answer yes because I want to explain. I want to tell them about the depravity that runs down and through my body and soul; but I don't. I just assure them I'm okay with it and continue on.

But I have to explore it. I have to feed something that has been gnawing at myself for more than a year. That's the craving for brutality. If I spend my days encouraging you guys to figure out your own sexualites, let me share this. Let me tell you my fucking story.

I've been hurt and beaten down (in the figurative sense here). I was a self-harmer for about 3 years. I was known for cutting, scratching, and dragging scissors across my skins. For an extensive period of my high school life I wore scar patches to tend to the wounds and create elaborate stories of how I got hurt.

That was the time when pain began to be a part of my life. It was a time when I struggled to feel more alive than when pain was a part of my routine. Without that pain, I felt suffocated and at a loss.

But as the wounds began to heal on my skin and on my heart I began to take on this idea that from pain comes beauty. Life is life because of pain. Life is life because of healing and feeling. And I need pain, physical pain, to reach my own heightened existence.

It started with little things like hair pulling and using asphyxiation as an orgasm trigger. Biting was another orgasm trigger. And I realized the rougher I was given the rougher I wanted it. But the rougher I sought to give, too. Until I found myself being unfilled by "sex". By the casual fuck sessions between me and my "lovers". Something was missing. And in my subconscious, the whispers...

I want to be brutalized...

That was months and many more months echoing in my head before I found myself in the lifestyle. And it has been nearly years before what is coming had been dreamed up.

There inside my head is a craving for sexual brutality. This need to give myself over to them and say it is okay to break me. If I never want it again, I will have fed the beast inside.

I'm fucking ready.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Binary Sexuality? Screw that!

In the old days, the middle ages, the days gone by, the times before now, people didn't really realize the spectrum that is sexuality. They couldn't understand how the brain worked and you were simply gay or straight.

Maybe a little crooked but that was for those shady folks you had to watch out for.

But as time went on and people thought the sexual psyche was worth looking into, out came the LGB...pun intended. Heaven forbid you like both!

As we become a more sophisticated society even that changes and who the hell cares about acronyms when you just keep adding letters... LGBTQIAAP.

But I'm here to make that even more complicated. Because I've given some serious thought to my own sexuality and I don't like that sexuality has to encompass both my idea of love and attraction. I'm weird. I always have been; so why should this be any different?

I want to seriously complicate this idea of sexuality and binary systems. I want to just be me. Every weird yet wonderful fucking thing about me.

I'm pansexual.

But that word belongs to me. It means something specific to me. It is tempered with my propensity for and lean towards hetero-romanticism. But don't argue that I'm not pan enough for you. Or I'm not straight enough for you. It isn't for you.

It is for me.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

The Darkness Intriguing

Disclaimer: This may or may not be graphic in nature.

I expect to take flack from what I'm about to tell you. I expect your reactions to be stereotypical. Don't worry, I'm braced. I'm a big girl with big girl panties. I've already had this conversation with someone who needed it so here I am, telling the rest of the world.

I'm a fetishist. Yeah, I'm a freak. Every inch of me burns with the desire to feel that this is most abhorrent to the majority of the world. My soul finds that level of fucking freedom in the weirdest places. My skin has bruised shades of red that make people cringe. You think you like rough sex? This takes me higher.

And the reach of the freak inside burns deep. Because inside this little head of mine, and inside the heads of a lot of women, lays this darkness. This darkness that is too taboo, it is so bad that I told you I wouldn't even talk about it. But that's changed.

But at the depths my fantasies, do you know what lays there? Nonconsent. Rape.

Don't you dare judge me.

In the prettiest places in our psyches, it is the thing that scares us that elicits the beauty that is arousal. In the way you don't realize your body wants it, that is where this lays. And a lot of women, fetishist or not, experience this same pull to the bad.

This intrigue inside my head gets swept up and churned with the craved feeling of hands at my throat, smacks across my face, and level of rough intensity.

Do you know why I am telling you this? If you're a woman and you feel this way, if your girlfriend feels this way, you're not alone. That darkness doesn't have to swallow or make you ashamed of it. Because at the core, nonconsent is bad. But that doesn't mean you have to had from the fact that the bad things in the world make your skin electric instead of crawl in the darkness of your own bedroom.

This isn't a call for consent violations. Keep your dick in your pants, boys.

This is a notice that there are safe ways to explore even the parts of your mind you don't want to admit are there. And the consensual nonconsent can take you places you didn't know existed.

Consent. It isn't a blurred line. It is there or it isn't.



Image notes: This is an image in relationship to Erotic Asphyxiation. No rape or consent violation was explored or intended in the photo.

Monday, November 10, 2014

The Art & My Lack Thereof of Self-Seduction

It is no big secret that I currently sell sex toys for a living. I like the opportunity that it affords me to find things that might help people get their rocks off. The one thing that I have come to realize is that people want to know what you like; what gets you off. Maybe they think they're doing it wrong. Maybe they only want to talk to someone who fucking gets it.

But you know my secret? I suck at masturbating.

I've been asked to masturbate on camera, send pictures, etc. but I always say no. Because watching grass grow is going to be more exciting than watching me masturbate. I can promise you that.

I don't like to seduce myself. My body doesn't react to my touch the way it will to someone else. I can't touch my ears and make my whole body tingle. I can't light my nipples on fire with my tongue. I've never once been able to convince myself to get off with my fingers. What I like...and what I for my masturbation sessions to be over quickly. 20 seconds is fine for me.

I can still recommend you the best realistic dildo there is, but stop asking which one I would use. If I am going to use a realistic dildo, it is going to be a real fucking penis attached to a living breathing person. Otherwise, sorry boys but penises aren't that pretty.

I can still tell you which rabbit is going to be the best, do the most, and have the best quality but I don't like them and I won't use them. As a sidenote, the beaded ones freak me out.

But if you want a good clit toy, oh girl, I've got you. My clit toys are all valued somewhere over $300 if you totaled them all up. And they're all different. Because when I am by myself, and it is just me, that is really all that matters. I like to lay there with the vibrations literally in hand, watch porn or read a story, get off, and sleep. That is what I want.

I'm not sorry that isn't sexy enough for you.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Dear Sabina: So You Want to Domme?

I decided to make a change and incorporate myself into the blog in a way that utilizes my sex-scene-name. We all have our vices and our stories, Sabina is mine, and come on, I had a thing for Dear Abby when I was 10.

I read your post about being a dominatrix for the first time and it sounds so wonderful. I've wanted to do this for my husband for a long time but I'm nervous. How can I get started?

Okay, so the first thing that you have to know is that I am by no stretch of the imagination an expert on the matter. I'm not even what I would call experienced. I'm just a sadomasochist who put a lot of effort into studying how to be safe with [Aristotle] and how to really get going. I spent some time talking to someone who has been a Domme for several years and she has collared submissives.

That said, this has to really be a part of who you are. You don't have to have a Type A personality out of the gate and this may not all come naturally to you at first but you have to want it. If you are going to feel awkward and out of place, it will only hurt your morale. So start by getting into the right mindset that you are a beautiful woman, you're forceful, and the very nature of the world should bend to your will. 

Find rhythm and strength in what makes you feel comfortable. Are you going to want to be in charge, cause him/her pain, make them pleasure you? What do you want out of it? Yes, I want all of those things and that is okay, too.

If you want to make the serious jump into it, start with education and knowing the safe ways to tie or hit someone. Yes, there are rules and there are safety things it isn't all just hot kink, though it is that, too. Don't use self-cinching ties when you're getting started, they can be dangerous. Don't hit someone in the spine. It all seems like common sense but mistakes can happen.

I also recommend reading BDSM 101 which is written with a snarky attitude from the point of view from a professional submissive. It is a wonderful read and a wonderful way to get started. And join websites that provide forums for education and ideas.

And also, clothes. The right look will be a nice bolster to your confidence.